The Challenging Years for Parents

All parents know that parenting is the toughest and most amazing adventure in the world, but there are certain years in a child’s life that are tougher that others for both the child and parents. I have three children who all struggled at the same ages, and now I am seeing the same thing happening with my grandson.

Before I shared my experience with my children, I did some research of the experts to see if what I experienced was common. Here are the ages that were a challenge for me and what the experts say.

Four

I heard everyone talking about the terrible twos, but the first challenge for me came when my daughter turned four. She became bossy and demanding. She wanted to tell us what to do, and if we said no, her frustration turned into tantrums. My daughter is experiencing the same thing with her son. She felt better when I told her he was testing the limits to see who was in control and how much power he had at his disposal. I told her she should stay calm but set boundaries for the behavior because knowing someone else was in control would make him feel safer.

Alanna Gallo, an education and parenting expert and the founder of Play Learn Thrive says, “They’re still working on regulating their emotions, so tantrums and aggression are normal. It’s an emotional roller coaster, and their outburst signal they need more connection and coregulation.”

Mayra Mendez, a licensed psychotherapist says, “It’s part of the social-learning and individuation process. They are learning how to engage in collaborative exchanges, problem-solve, and learn conflict resolution.’

Eight

According to Parents magazine, 8 is the most difficult age for parents. Do you remember being 8? I do. I remember feeling lost. I wasn’t sure what my identity was. Here is what Parents says, “It does make sense why 8 can be a tough age: Eight is officially a big kid. Eight is personality and autonomy and attitude that still wants to end the day with a snuggle and hug. Eight is the body prepping for puberty and the hormones that go with it.”

Thirteen

When each of my children turned 13, I prepared myself for two personalities in one body. If 8 is prepping for puberty, 13 is being smack in the middle of it.

"Although 13-year-olds are starting to have a more concrete thinking style, their brains are still developing," says Florencia Segura, FAAP, a pediatrician with Einstein Pediatrics in the Washington D.C. metro area. "They also tend to be very self-conscious at this age and have a tendency to believe they are the center of attention. If they have a pimple, then everyone is looking at it."

17

This was the age that my older two children were the most difficult for me to parent. Here is what the magazine Parents says about parenting a 17-year-old.

“For the most part, 17-year-old’s moods are calmer than they were in earlier teen years. This is due to fewer hormonal shifts and an increased sense of control. But that does not mean teens will not struggle with their emotions when they face a big problem. Whether they are dealing with a broken heart or a college rejection letter, many 17-year-olds are dealing with adult-sized problems for the first time. The parent-teen relationship may shift a little during this age as well. For some, that may mean growing apart from their parents as they gain independence, but for others, it may growing closer to their parents as their desire to be rebellious fades away. Either way, keep the lines of communication open and offer support and encouragement as needed.

Let your teen know that it is okay to make mistakes. In fact, you want them to make mistakes that are not life-threatening or catastrophic. Instead of being a helicopter parent or a snowplow, ask them what they learned from their mistake or poor choice."

Parenting is a learning experience and a continual adventure. Do the best you can and act in love.